Quo Vado?

I don’t know where to start. Its like I have no feelings all I want to do is run and run and run and pray that whatever it is that’s going on inside will eventually shut up. But it won’t. I can run and it will still keep taunting me. I’ll always hear how I’m not good enough or pretty enough or not willow enough or just flat out dumb and it won’t go away. I’ll always hear that I’m clueless and that I so lack fait and that I don’t believe. I don’t know how to believe, I don’t know and I feel like such a complete failure like I haven’t done anything right in so long that it doesn’t matter any more and that I should just give it up. All of it just run a way and forget the promise forget the dream of being loved.

Wow, parts of tonight were surreal. Some quick thoughts before I explain what I mean. I don’t get that God can be hurt without being mad/angry and I really want to be cherished. OK, to explain the thoughts, and of course I’ll start with the second one first. Jenn is in town this weekend and we hooked up this evening and went out and caught dinner and a movie. The movie we saw was Amile. A beautiful French film with a quietness to it that is just calming. It has a great message about taking risks, but what really got me to thinking was how of all the ‘sex’ scenes in the film, and there were several graphic ones, with the thumping and noises one apparently expects from such things, the one that really touched me and pushed the yearning button inside of me was the quiet moment of the 3 kisses each way when the heroine and hero meet in her apartment. There is such tenderness there that it hurt my heart. I couldn’t pull my eyes from the screen I just wanted to be able to feel those things - to feel someone be careful with me. I want to be delicate. Not in a shatterable way but in a cherished way. Delicate and precious, I don’t ever feel that way. Even dressed up I usually feel like an elephant in a china shop. I don’t know why, maybe because I fight it so much, I just don’t feel it.

Somewhere in the air over the eastern part of the US, I’m finally getting around to writing another journal entry. It hasn’t felt like a month since I last wrote, but life has been crazy and ira here was out of commission for almost two weeks. Therapy last week was awful. I left feeling shell-shocked and I didn’t really know which way was up. I don’t know that I know which way is up today. It became apparent that my view of God, and how God sees me is really critical. I don’t expect God to forgive me. I expect him to tell me to suck up the pain inflicted to my heart. But the bible doesn’t indicate that is factual.