Quo Vado?

So, The West Wing yesterday week was one of the best I’ve seen all season. That makes me happy. It was most definitely not a classic, but given that I missed “The Supremes” episode, it does brighten up my day.

Work has been going better this week, I’ve done much better at actually working at work, which is always a good thing, right now though I could really use a nap.

I don’t want to run away. Those lyrics got to me today. I don’t want to run away, the sad thing is that’s what I’ve been doing for along time. I feel like such a fraud because my actions don’t match my heart. I’m acting like a sloth, because that is my nature, but my heart is to be less lazy. I keep telling myself that this walk was never meant to be easy, why am I behaving as if I expect it to be. I haven’t yet accepted the dependence of my situation. That is, that I am Jesus’ follower, if I’m following I can’t lead, I can’t try to always do it my way. I am dependant on God for the bath and the direction and the whole shebang. The cool thing is that he always keeps his promises, loves me more than I can ever imagine, he promises that he will never put more on my plate than we can handle together, he promises that I can’t overload anyone else, he sacrificed his son to atone for my sins, he made the walk to Golgotha with full choice, he knew what he was trying to do, he chose to pay that price so that I would have the possibility to choose him as my leader. He ultimately, overcame death and was rose again there by guaranteeing final triumph over Satan. I don’t want to run away, but I’ve been doing a pretty good job of it for about two years. Maybe, running away isn’t quite the correct term; I’ve been playing chicken with God. I get close and then I back away. I let him in and then I freak out and back off, I haven’t firmly planted my feet on either side of the divide. What is it that I’m so afraid of? I’m afraid that when the day comes for me to be tested I’ll deny God, I’ll deny God’s power and sovereignty, I deny his existence and his love, and I don’t want to be guilty of that, the only crazy thing is that I already am doing that, by not jumping in with both feet, claiming my course as my own, sacrificing to m make it mine, I’ve really already done those things. And God still loves me, he will still accept me to his table as his daughter, He’s doing that right now, God’s love for me never changes. Even Peter ran away, he denied Jesus, and Jesus brought him back into the fold. I don’t remember who said it, but in a message somewhere, someone once said that he didn’t think Judas was gong to hell because he betrayed Jesus, because however active or in active all of the disciples betrayed Jesus, Judas went to hell because he gave up, he lost sight of the promises that God had made to him, to love him always and to never forsake him. Without hope, even just a slight voice in his head saying, give it a little more time, find out what happens next, not believing god loved him killed Judas, and condemned him to hell. Is always wanting to know what happens next my blessing from God? It gets me into the terminal voices in my head? Do I keep coming back to God because I want to know what happens next? Its why I watch television shows, its why I can’t put down a book, its why I kept going back to BA, I always want to know what happens next. My head is so fixated on the next event in my life that I I’m not present for the ones that are happening right now. So like all things this can be either a blessing or curse, depending on where it comes into play in my life. Can I redirect this sense of curiosity to the bible, to God’s teachings? If I can make it about what I can learn next, would it become more interesting, would I deg into it. How else does Go show his love for me, how else can I show my love for me, what does he say about this, or that. Focus on the puzzle, try and find something new everyday. I don’t want to run away, but that is still my choice, my actions are mine to take responsibility for, I’m skittish, because my past is full of broken promises and unmet needs, and so many blessings, can I take advantage of all of those things are really turn this choice I made more of a reality in my life, can I turn up the stove on my heart and my love for God.