the journey
The following are my blog entries for the period of time from 11 March 2004 through the end of 2005. The blog continues with the section called the wanderings. Enjoy reading these entries, and do come again. -kmsqrd
Entries from December 1, 2003 - January 1, 2004
Flying and Thinking
kmsqrd
1 Comment
The Flight Home: I sit here, in the last seat on the right side, watching the grounds crew around the plane prepare the machine to defy gravity and somehow catch the air and fly. It's one of those things you assume works. I don't know why we think this will always work, there is a debate in Fluid/Mechanical Engineering circles these days that how a plan was thought to work, may in-fact be erroneous. The may be wrong, but today I strap myself in and trust that even with incorrect math this winged machine will get me 'home in no time at all.
Another New Journal: Today, I start yet another journal. Over the last year or so I've written my thoughts down in a myriad of places: Journals, envelopes, on my mac and other locals. It seems however, that none of these locations has become a consistent place for my thoughts to be gathered. While my mac may still be the recipient of some fast, overwhelming thinking from myself, I'm hoping to get into the habit of keeping thoughts and other stuff here. This may turn out to be a flop, that's OK. I need to try.
Battles: My better angels and demons went to war on Monday morning. I got out of bed reluctantly and plodded off to the show with this weight in my heart. I didn't know what it was until I tried to tackle the whole BA situation in my head. Though I'm not sure how, the whole what makes me lovable question came up in my head. That's when I knew the demons weren't going to be fooling around and they were out for blood. More importantly, I was too tired to fend them off. I stood there, trying to figure out what was lovable about me. I could come up with anything. Then I considered calling BS to ask her what she thought when my head snapped back that I wouldn't believe her anyway, so why bother. The voice in my head was half right. I knew I wouldn't believe her, but I need to bother to remind myself that others don't see me the same way I see myself. I did call BS, JB and KE and while no one answered it was a victory as I was prepared to ask for help and I knew that there was help there to be had, even if the mirror I held didn't show it.
Lovable Qualities: I guess one of the questions should be why don't I Believe people when they tell me what they see as my lovable characteristics. One of the big things/reasons is because what they find lovable, I work at. I work at being funny, honest about where I am, real, and responsible. These things for me, to some degree or another, take effort. Maybe that is the point. Could it be that in seeing those characteristics in me, they see the effort and to some degree find my heart behind the effort. One possibility, my insistence on those things/ideals, what ever the effort makes loving me possible. It's not that being funny, honest, real and responsible EARN me other love, but rather those are the links between myself and others that let the love, that is already there areas we are all made in the image of god flow freely back and forth.
Love Doesn't Bind: As a human, I am made in God's image. God is love. I am love. It's like being a library - books come in and go out. Others share their love with me and the shelves fill. I give my love away and the shelves empty. But, how I'm thinking of it is less finite. It's as if I'm at the center of my "Love Conduit" and Love comes and goes to and from me along various paths. Some of those paths head only out of tome, some only bring love into town, and some go both ways. The love flows on the ties that bind. the ties can be made from hard work and effort or they can just be because I cannot imagine doing something any other way. The love is in me, the paths may be blocked, but the love flows. Love, by itself doesn't bind. The conduits for the exchange of love are what bind us together.
Religion: I read in the book BA gave me about living with my shadow, that religion is the re-binding of myself to God. That concept makes more sense now. Love comes form both God and myself, religion is act of making sure that the conduit goes in both directions.
The Ties That Bind: If love just is, than what needs to work are the conduits. The path for love out of my heart is open, while not free of obstacles, I'm fair at exercising the ties that others know that I care. Humor, honesty, realness and responsibility are all ways of sending the love outward. Letting others care for me, council me, do for me and let the love flow in on a level that isn't superficial I don't do very often. To make those conduits work I have some work to do.
Wheels Down.
Another New Journal: Today, I start yet another journal. Over the last year or so I've written my thoughts down in a myriad of places: Journals, envelopes, on my mac and other locals. It seems however, that none of these locations has become a consistent place for my thoughts to be gathered. While my mac may still be the recipient of some fast, overwhelming thinking from myself, I'm hoping to get into the habit of keeping thoughts and other stuff here. This may turn out to be a flop, that's OK. I need to try.
Battles: My better angels and demons went to war on Monday morning. I got out of bed reluctantly and plodded off to the show with this weight in my heart. I didn't know what it was until I tried to tackle the whole BA situation in my head. Though I'm not sure how, the whole what makes me lovable question came up in my head. That's when I knew the demons weren't going to be fooling around and they were out for blood. More importantly, I was too tired to fend them off. I stood there, trying to figure out what was lovable about me. I could come up with anything. Then I considered calling BS to ask her what she thought when my head snapped back that I wouldn't believe her anyway, so why bother. The voice in my head was half right. I knew I wouldn't believe her, but I need to bother to remind myself that others don't see me the same way I see myself. I did call BS, JB and KE and while no one answered it was a victory as I was prepared to ask for help and I knew that there was help there to be had, even if the mirror I held didn't show it.
Lovable Qualities: I guess one of the questions should be why don't I Believe people when they tell me what they see as my lovable characteristics. One of the big things/reasons is because what they find lovable, I work at. I work at being funny, honest about where I am, real, and responsible. These things for me, to some degree or another, take effort. Maybe that is the point. Could it be that in seeing those characteristics in me, they see the effort and to some degree find my heart behind the effort. One possibility, my insistence on those things/ideals, what ever the effort makes loving me possible. It's not that being funny, honest, real and responsible EARN me other love, but rather those are the links between myself and others that let the love, that is already there areas we are all made in the image of god flow freely back and forth.
Love Doesn't Bind: As a human, I am made in God's image. God is love. I am love. It's like being a library - books come in and go out. Others share their love with me and the shelves fill. I give my love away and the shelves empty. But, how I'm thinking of it is less finite. It's as if I'm at the center of my "Love Conduit" and Love comes and goes to and from me along various paths. Some of those paths head only out of tome, some only bring love into town, and some go both ways. The love flows on the ties that bind. the ties can be made from hard work and effort or they can just be because I cannot imagine doing something any other way. The love is in me, the paths may be blocked, but the love flows. Love, by itself doesn't bind. The conduits for the exchange of love are what bind us together.
Religion: I read in the book BA gave me about living with my shadow, that religion is the re-binding of myself to God. That concept makes more sense now. Love comes form both God and myself, religion is act of making sure that the conduit goes in both directions.
The Ties That Bind: If love just is, than what needs to work are the conduits. The path for love out of my heart is open, while not free of obstacles, I'm fair at exercising the ties that others know that I care. Humor, honesty, realness and responsibility are all ways of sending the love outward. Letting others care for me, council me, do for me and let the love flow in on a level that isn't superficial I don't do very often. To make those conduits work I have some work to do.
Wheels Down.
