Quo Vado?

OK, so God’s sense of timing is much better than mine. He knew that I needed to start out by hearing about what hasn’t changed. Grant it, Sonny did a brief introduction to the idea that there are no rules last Thursday, and that was more than enough to freak me out, but after hearing in the message on Sunday about what hasn’t changed the tapes from the previous two weeks about how the worldwide and local church is changing comes into clearer perspective. God allowed the reinforcement of what is not changing to prepare me for the idea that the ‘established method’ is. So, here’s the deal, the rules made by man to organize man and intended to help keep us saved are being removed. That doesn’t mean that God doesn’t call me to follow the bible. What is true and right is what has always been true and right, God loves me, He always has, He always will, Jesus died on the cross so that I could be presented before God without blemish. Acknowledging Him and obeying Him will please God. As far as my salvation goes, nothing has changed; I’m still the one responsible.

Some Good Things About Rule Removal
• The focus on man-made bible talks is removed; I am not limited or restrained to a small group.
• I have to make and get my own convictions.
• A way of obtaining a false sense of security has been removed.
• For me, salvation becomes more than a checklist.
• The idea that people are only being friendly because they’ve been assigned to me doesn’t hold – no one is assigned to anyone else. I am responsible for finding and growing those relationships.

Just family groups with no one in particular ‘assigned’ to be my friend. Isn’t that one of the things that really bugged me about discipling partners to begin with, that someone was assigned to be my friend, and somehow I became responsible to others because that’s how the tree was formed. This should make me happy. This should make me glad that the forced ‘friendships’ no longer exist. But, in reality, I’m scared because Chester is busy asking me who will be my friend and will anyone want me to be theirs. How am I going to feel the aches and pains of this transition? Will the ‘clicky’ nature of leadership change? How does this work? Who do I choose to pray with? Who do I make my prayer partners? OK, I dedicated my life to living by the bible, so how does the bible describe the women of God?

I know I wrote earlier, but I feel this compulsive need to write again. I walked into service tonight feeling like I had an OK grip on what my reality was; but, in reality I was relatively clueless, No more rules, no more discipline partners, no more discipling groups, just family groups and I control who I get with to pray and really build friendships with. It's crazy. The world has been flipped on its tail and I’m once again freaking out over the idea that there are no rules. As TH so kindly pointed out, I start by making my own. Get a little book and write them down. They are Kelli’s Rules. The key is to no impose my rules on others. SS said tonight that we need to be careful to disagree without disapproving. Disapproving is putting people in your personal doghouse. So, the plan is to do what we say we are doing without the rules being imposed on us by others. The rules need to be mine. So, when I rebel, I’m rebelling against my own rules or God. Great. Peachy. Add some more pressure. Turn up the heat. Drive me a little crazier.

Hearing things aloud, from someone I consider “A Power That Be” for some reason makes it so much more real. It moves the idea from concept to reality. This is how it’s going to go. The responsibility for which path I choose is all mine. It always was mine, but I could hide that idea behind the co-opted rules. Now there is no doubt about it. The rules didn’t change that it was my responsibility, it just let me ignore or forget or hide from the responsibility.

So, yesterday, I spewed some stuff. After forgetting my leftovers and aborting my first start to go and retrieve them, my car and my mouth both got under way. Yes, I yelled at God. I yelled because I don’t know who I am, or where I’m going. I made some interesting Wizard of Oz references about walking with only the promise of whom the wizard was; when in reality I know way more about God than Dorothy did about the wizard. I yelled at God because I was afraid of not being able to see his path for me, hence the Wizard of Oz references. I also talked to God about how I was afraid I couldn’t be the voice for him that he wanted for me to be, how I don’t know if I will ever be able to say, in the moment, that I’m doing or not doing something because that’s what being a follower of Jesus means for me. I realized how reliant I am on the idea of “That’s just how we do it.” The co-opting of the -rules’ to not have to make solid personal stands for me. Amazingly enough, after hollering and crying out to God and driving a little way, I felt much more calm, as if I could face all of those things I didn’t even want to think of facing last night over dinner. It was cool, I took advice, belatedly, and it worked. I listened to Brett and let it out. I experienced the emotion, let it overwhelm me and I couldn’t stop hollering. But in the end, the anger and the pent up energy had dissipated and I wasn’t afraid of loosing my temper anymore. Too cool.

BTW, I was discipling LS on Monday and I said something I need to write down so that my logical brain doesn’t forget that I said it. I said, “Emotions are what bind us to each other.” What a cool and odd thought. Where did that come from in my brain? Is this really me, the girl who’s still making faces at BA every time he mentions the “E” word? I don’t know, but I guess ‘tis just another sign of growth. (The other one was that I freely admitted to making errors, even though I was nervous about the response.)

Galatians 4:8-9 “Formerly, when you did not know God, you were slaves to those who by nature are not gods. But now that you know God - or rather are known by God - how is it that you are turning back to those weak and miserable principles? Do you wish to be enslaved by them all over again?”

-The principles I lived by prior to coming into the kingdom enslaved me. The principle that I had nothing to add to others lives made me, for all intensive purposes, a shut-in.
-The idea that I was dangerous to others meant that I didn’t share who I was with anyone.
-I hid behind fiction and puzzles and TV. I kept my mind busy, but my soul was empty and crying out for relief.
-When I return to my old ways, I let the old principles have a foothold. I allow the possibility that I might return to that life - the miserable bleak aloneness where the days and hours were lost because I was afraid to live my life.
-Those principles are weak because they are based on fear, and the negative voices in my head.
-STOP TURNING AROUND TO GATHER THINGS FROM THE PAST AND LIVE IN THE FUTURE!!!

So, I read part way though the entries above. There’s so much, but really so little there. It’s crazy really, so many unanswered questions. Probably the most important being who am I? I don’t know, but right now, all I am is wound up tighter than one of those fancy springs we use to model the ground in earthquake regions. All I really want to do is hit something very hard. I’m afraid of opening my mouth because everything that seams to be coming out is angry, harsh, vindictive and scathing. I DON’T KNOW WHY!!! It’s awful to walk around like this. I’m so afraid and I’m trying to treat myself with eggshells. Speaking softly, but it seams to just make things worse. The silence of my mouth is just so comfortable. I don’t even want to think of doing anything like singing or talking. I don’t want to get started in a verbal sense because it I don’t know if I could ever stop, or how much the diheria of the mouth would hurt me. Not so much that I would cut myself down; but rather that I’d wind up feeling guilty for weeks. Even worse, I don’t know which direction the spew-age would go. It’s like sitting on a time bomb, never knowing when it will go off. If therapy has taught me anything, it will go off, I need to direct it appropriately, but where will it not hurt anyone, or where do I direct it so that I’ll come to a resolution for it. OK, use your head. The only safe place to go is up. God has big shoulders he can handle one off the chain Kelli tantrum; and I won’t have to worry about feeing guilty. He promised to walk this path with me. However, I choose to walk it. He will not leave me if I get angry. God will not leave me if I yell. God will not leave me if I direct the junk his way. So, lets leave here and go spew some stuff.

LS has been having a hard time lately with just the path her friendships and dating life has taken her in the kingdom. She is feeling unconnected with everyone. I was going to disciple her on bitterness and being content with what she has, but, KE suggested that I encourage her and remind her what God’s plan for us is. So, I’ve pulled out the Promises Bible and am gong to study out the section on “ Protection from Loneliness” and write down the scriptures for “ Nothing Escapes God’s Attention.”


Zephaniah 3:17 “The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing.”

- God promises to always be with us. Even if were standing in the middle of a room full of people and have never felt more alone, God promises to be there with us.
- His promise is not one of a condemning nature, but rather one that delights in us, as individuals. He will quiet my aching heart or running mind with his love. He will rejoice over me.

2 Samuel 24:12-14
“Go and tell David, ‘This is what the Lord Says: I am giving you three options. Choose one of them for me to carry out against you.’ So Gad went to David and said, ‘Shall there come upon you three years of famine in your land? Or three months of fleeing from your enemies while they pursue you? Or three days of plague in your land? Now then, think it over and decide how I should answer the one who sent me.’ David said to Gad, “I am in deep distress. Let us fall into the hands of the Lord, for his mercy is great; but do not let me fall into the hands of men.”

- In the spiritual ream, disobedience still warrants punishment, but God’s mercy keeps me from experiencing it.
- To a point, I have some control over how I get punished. I can either change early or have the thumb pushed down further.

Haggai 1:13 “Then Haggai, the Lord’s messenger, gave this message of the Lord to the people: “I am with you,” declares the Lord.” (verse 13 only)

- God isn’t lonely, and he certainly doesn’t want us to be lonely.
- The above is God’s response to a group of people who were living a comfortable life in their comfortable homes while the temple of God went virtually uncared for. God’s response, amazingly enough is, “I am with you.” What does that mean when I’m being a goober head?

Hosea 2:19-20 “I will betroth you to me forever; I will betroth you in righteousness and justice, in love and compassion. I will betroth you in faithfulness, and you will acknowledge the Lord.”

- God wants to tie himself to me. He promises to tie me to him.
- The bonds that tie us together are not shame, fear or hatred. The bonds that connect us, eternally, are righteousness, justice, love, compassion and faithfulness.
- He connects me to him with all things that are good. In return, he asks for acknowledgement. Amazing, isn’t he.
- God wants to keep me. GBU

Isaiah 43:1-2
“But now, this is what the Lord says he who created you, O Jacob, he who formed you, O Israel; “Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.”

- I belong to the Lord. Those bonds that tie me to him, make me his.
- While God does not promise me path without challenges, he does promise that he has redeemed me and he will be with me and that he will not allow me to become completely overwhelmed if I stay tied into him.
- The craziness there is that to survive the challenges I need to be tied to him, so life becomes a "we" effort instead of a "me" effort.

I was so mad this morning I hit the wall. Though I don’t think it was mad - it was hurt, it was this bottled up explosion and I hit the wall, full force, with the palm of my hand. It hurt my hand. I don’t think it hurt the wall.

I came home last night and London was finishing up meeting with her decorator and she was doing something and broke the nail on ‘the’ ring finger. My initial response was a little bit of empathy and when she kept harping on it, I went into fix it mode. Not that that worked. She then snapped at me and I felt like someone had hit me with a hammer. It hurt like the dickens. So I went back to my room and cried into my blanket and tried to talk myself through the hurt by reminding myself that her response wasn’t entirely about me. It was tired, frustrated, and disappointed. And those feelings had nothing to do with what I did or did not say. I didn’t respond to her in a way that she understood as love. When I offered suggestions and corrected wayward thinking, she heard disapproval and annoyance, not an attempt to make the situation look better than she was seeing it. So is there anything there I see that I need to apologize for? Well, I am sorry that the way I tried to let her know that I cared didn’t work.

As far as this morning goes, I was climbing into the shower and London apologized to me for being short with me last night and I couldn’t say anything in response. I felt this extreme tension come over me and all I could do was stand there and hug myself. And then she talked some more. She had the gal to say that what she needed last night was to be loved not smart remarks. I wasn’t being smart. I was trying to help. Doesn’t she get that and why did she have to throw the fact that I can’t seem to translate love and caring to others back into my face. Does she honestly think that I don’t care? Then, chester gets involved. Talking to me saying that I can’t show people that I love them so how do I think that I can deserve to be loved.

Some part of this morning was me being angry because I feel like if she apologizes then I have no further reason to be hurt. Which is selfish and keeping a record of wrongs. Its like I’m being encouraged to experience the emotion, but a thank you tells me that OK the hurt needs to leave now. Its as if someone else is setting up the emotional statute of limitations. Argh, I want to be hurt. I want it to wash over me and go on past so that I don’t have to deal with this wound again. But, with London saying thank you its like there’s a block to doing that. Lets see if I can’t re-experience it right now so that it can go past me.

Thoughts and Concepts from Therapy
1. Separate my sinful nature from who I am. While the sinful nature is a part of me, and it goes where I go, I need to split the two apart and get mad at my sinful nature not at myself. Redirect the anger to where it belongs at that voice in my head that say’s reading romance books won’t make me become lustful, that says that I deserve to leave the horrors of living my life. Address the liar that is my sinful nature and tell him to leave. This takes power away from the sinful nature and doesn’t allow it to poison me twice - first with the sin and then with the inappropriate directed anger. By getting mad at myself and calling myself a looser and weak and stupid all I do is discourage my spirit and windup feeling empty and hopeless.

2. Take my emotions off of the shelf and let them out. If I don’t use them regularly then I cannot learn how to effectively control them and know what their thresholds are. Emotions are great motivators; they will provide the impetuous to move from where I’m standing.

I don’t know who I am. There was a time when I knew who I was and what I was doing with my life. There was a time when I got out of bed in the morning and I could sing along to the music, I had a clue as to where I was going, I could define who I was simply and cleanly. Right now, I can’t even say that I’m a structural engineer. There are so many fundamental things about what a structural engineer is that I don’t know. And as for my personal life, emotionally I’ve got ups and downs that make little sense. Spiritually, I’m a wreck. My purity is abysmal. I haven’t read the word in nearly a week, and I prayed for the first time in a month yesterday. There is no focus to my life. It’s as if I’m wondering around going what to do next.

Now, people who love me tell me about paths I can take, but all of them sound so hard and fraught with danger. What if I walk the path of my life before the end and me isn’t what he promised? How do I keep moving forward when God calls me to walk without seeing where I’m going? How do I trust God to get me there, that his path is right and good? That giving up the fiction is righteous and healthy.

To do that, I need to take an unguarded look at what the last two weeks have been like. I’ve been selfish, self-centered, of my focus and lonely. From and emotional perspective, that’s the key. I cannot spend days wrapped up in fiction, or the lives of other people I don’t know and not end up feeling empty and alone, without a friend in the world. The lives of the fictional characters become more important, how their families are, who’s going to fall in love next, what is going to happen to these not for real people? Is it because I can distance my self that I’m not jealous? But does all of that really matter, if in the long run I feel like I’m living without ties to the people I want to have ties with? Reading romances isn’t something that I can share with those I’ve come to love. It is something that I do in secret. The activity controls me rather than me controlling the activity.