Quo Vado?

So, it has been about six weeks since I wrote here. The time has passed so quickly that it?s been amazing. In that odd since of the days being slow but looking back and not being able to believe that it really is almost July. Somehow, my 28th birthday seems so close and I am not looking forward to marking that milestone. I?d much rather not have to admit that I?m nearly 28 years old and now able to know where I?m going with my life. I guess when I was younger I figured I?d be in a different place by now. Though I don?t know where, and I can?t picture what I figured would have happened to me. All, I really know is that I feel unfulfilled and lacking some intangible element in my life. There is this hole, and I know who fills it, Jesus, but am unwilling or unable to let him fill it. Strangely enough, I know all of the pieces that make up the whole are present, but I don?t know where I can go or who is willing to help me put them together. Pieces and parts, I keep coming back to this idea that I?m made up of pieces and parts. But really, are the elements that form the picture in my mind of who I am distinct pieces? Can those elements be broken up into finite elements and given away. Does not the interaction of these pieces and parts make me unique in the way I am unique? My homework of the week from Brett was to write down several of the events I used to shape my picture of myself and then analyze those events and determine what personality traits influenced that event. Then he suggested some events he wanted to see, including graduation and my first job. Apparently, its odd, but I don?t see those events as one, which shape me. They are not ones that distinctly pop into my head. I don?t prioritize them highly when it comes to defining me. I think to some degree, that is the point, the stuff or issues I use define who I am don?t line up with how others, or even God, see me. What are those moments I use to define who I am? First, the moment of rage I felt against Bonnie when I crossed the street in front of Fribley. Sitting in the hallway at Northside on the third floor knowing that I had blown any chance a getting to compete in state because I wasn?t completely up on my current events. The breakdown at Shoney?s after working 14 days of split shifts. I define whom I am with events that show me at places I felt the most out of control, the most worthless, the most stupid. Ah, yet another root of the problem - I define myself with only one kind of my life?s experiences. Some may argue that those experiences and the events attached to them are not that significant. They don?t add up to much, they aren?t indicitative of my life then, or today, they are not the things on which I should base my whole perception of who Kelli is. The theme is that the events don?t define me; they create the picture that gives indication as to who I am, and what is exactly behind the curtain. Without a doubt, I need to work on changing up the images and event that I use to define myself. If I were to introduce myself to a perfect stranger, not in a business setting I would just shake their hand and say ‘Morning, I’m kmsqrd’ and move forward from there. I don’t share with others, as they get their first impressions of me that I think of myself as a total failure, an intensely angry person who cannot control her temper, who can?t keep a sufficient number of balls in the air at once. No, I worry that they are going to find out that that is I, but I don?t go around advertising that definition of who I am. That definition is short sighted and narrow, and focuses only on that which will bring me down and ultimately leave me feeling hopeless. Even thinking about Brett?s event - graduating from college - it doesn?t seam like a big deal to me. Yeah, one in three people don?t complete their degree, but what makes mine special? So I went to a good school, and they gave me a piece of paper, but I know there were classes that I could have cared less about, and most of them were in my major, or closely related to it. And I know that it takes some kind of character to finish the task, but I didn?t finish the task excellently, and was more than relieved to get out, and have no desire to go back. I didn?t do all that could have been done, so what â??s to celebrate or get a small pat on the back in that. Is that my expectations are unrealistic? Is it that I am overly harsh? Or is it that I didn?t feel like I had done a two sigma job and therefore it doesn?t deserve recognition or praise? Where did this all or nothing expectation come from? Why does it so permeate my life? Do I apply it to other people, or does it only apply to me?

Arrogant - that word has come up several times in the last week, and every time it comes, it seems to speak to me more loudly. As if, God wants me to get that ultimately I some how feel like I am him, I should be able to divine how the events of my life play out before me. When in reality I?m just a human, who can do no more than control what actions I take. Even those events, my responsibility, my choice, don?t change the fact that God loves me enough to send his only son to suffer and die on the cross because my actions often are sin against him, and for us to be joined a sacrifice must be made. God?s love for me is consistent and doesn?t change with or because of my attitude or actions. The events of my life do not change God?s love for me.

So, therapy sucks rocks. There is nothing new about that sentiment, but it does. Today we discussed the tension of opposites. How if your conscience gets focused on one idea, or definition of something your subconscious will magnify the opposing idea to bring a kind of balance to your life. In reality, it just creates tension between the two ideas and makes the boat very rocky. Apparently, according to BA, the idea way of diffusing this tension is to find the fulcrum and live there. That balance point between the two ideas becomes the place to live. Reality is that I am unlovable and loveable - I am both things and if I focus on making the two ideas equally valid in my mind, they won’t have to wage war against one another. This balance is a more accurate image of who I really am. BA spoke in terms of progress - not perfection. Updating the code, as it were, to the new image. He recommended that I assemble this combined image by taking the two sides and merging them together, slowly - a little each day - until the images blend and become one complete, combined image. Then you give the image of the new Kelli permission to come out and play. So that’s my homework - draw up the two sides and combine them into one image of Kelli. This abstract task is mine, I’ve accepted it, and I’m responsible for seeing that I complete it. Remember, accepting is not about liking; there isn’t a logical road map to acceptance. Acceptance is a choice, without a hag-dog head roll left.