Quo Vado?

The following are ideas/concepts that stem from therapy this evening that I wanted to write down while I had some chance of remembering them. We talked today about ‘femininity’, how I perceive myself to be unlovable, and why getting to this point has taken 37 sessions, and the motivations and stuff behind it all. In no particular order, the idea that it’s taken 37 sessions to get to dealing with the meat of my core issues. Has it taken so long because, if it stays the way it is I get some kind of ‘special’ attention? Was I deliberately skirting the issues of femininity and letting people get close, because at some level I was getting what I wanted? And why have we taken to referring to all the facets of who I am in the third person? My feminine side is referred to as ‘She’ - like its something separate from who I am. Am I not here, however, because I treat that part of me as if it was shameful and don’t acknowledge it, much less take steps to integrate it into who I am. Have I not shunned the emotional, passionate side of my personality out of the definition I keep of myself? Isn’t whom I am searching for really, just inside, waiting to get the time of day? Then ultimately what really attracts me to Jason isn’t what I don’t have its what I don’t acknowledge. Somehow, Brett has converted unimportant into unlovable. But it works. The translation from unimportant to unlovable works. I always some how manage to translate where my needs appear to end up on the ‘list’ to how lovable I am. I just had it let me try to find the connection again. If someone is important to you, you find the time and energy to see to their needs. Therefore, if what I feel and what I need falls toward the bottom of the list, then I must not be loveable, in a crazy, really not connected logically way. It just hurts because it feels like I am never enough to be important or loveable to anyone; no one wants to invest the time into me. Argh, the link is lost.