Quo Vado?

Well, the clock says that tis past midnight, but I just wanted to write about the day. I rearranged my room again. It just wasn't working the way it was, the arrangement was too complicated and I felt like I was always tripping over something. Trying to get an oversized rocker to fit in the room is just one element that is difficult to account for in a room this small. All, in all, the rearrangement took about six hours ant that included setting up the daybed in the spare room. Needless to say, I'm very happy with the results.

I enjoy getting previously viewed videos, then I don't have to wait to long to get the video I want for about $10, but they come with the liners missing, which is kind of annoying. I guess, I get what I pay for.

Now, it's off to bed so I can get up and play with young kids in the morning. LLP -kel

So, I finished my latest therapy session a little less than an hour ago, and right at the moment I feel calm. So tonight, I walked a labyrinth. A labyrinth differs from a maze in that there is only one path; there are no decisions, other than keep walking, to traverse the path. It is a single path in seven concentric rings that lead you to the middle. You begin with a question or a goal. Something you want answered or you want to gain and you visualize that as being at the center of the circle to be picked up. As you walk the path you pay attention to what your thoughts, feelings and urges are, living in the moment as you walk your way closer to your goal. . In the center, you put down what you need to leave behind, and pick up that which you need to continue on your journey. As you retrace your steps and head out of the maze, you continue to pay attention to your thoughts and feelings, and work at leaving behind what you put down and carry out what you have added.

As I stood outside of the labyrinth tonight, my ‘goal’ was to figure out what I was so afraid of. Brett pointed out that maybe changing the goal to a positive image to help me fight the fear would be a better way of going about it. So I came up with getting a pair of heals. I’ve always found confidence in wearing them, and just having them on makes me cheeky enough to think I can conquer the world. I started on the path, with a pair of shoes as my goal. A third of the way through the first ring I was asking myself why I was doing this, walking around in circles in the dark. The response was simple, because Brett asked, and though he and I think in completely different ways, little of what he has ever had me do has been without purpose, so lets just trust him. As I walk around the circle I examine why a pair of high heeled shoes. Why that was what I’d chosen, what memories it brings back. I notice the hill on the outer ring, I stumble and then keep moving forward, I realize that the shoes I picked are definitely not masculine, snerk, get anxious as I get closer to the center, start to doubt whether I really want this, or if the journey is foolish. I begin to change the definition of what is going to be at the eye of the labyrinth. I redefined what I was picking up so that the shoes weren’t the cocky fearlessness that I walked with as a high school student, to something more real than the ideal. The heals represent a confidence that as the bumps come, I can stumble and keep moving forward, the knowledge that being confident is different than bluffing, there is no fakery, just faith that I will see the other side. At the eye I left behind the idea that I can’t do it, the idea that being confident is somehow fake, I left the voice that says I can’t walk in those shoes. I put on the shoes, I gathered my breath, pushed back my shoulders and stepped back out onto the path. The journey back was less torturous. I had to work to leave the stuff I’d put down, I had to not jump the path, I cruised around the curves, I felt freer, I got bored, and wanted to just get it over with, I got nervous about whether when I stepped outside of the circle that I would keep the shoes, or if I would discard them, I realized that what happened to the shoes was up to me. Wearing the shoes is my choice. I walked out ready to face the world.